No less authoritative source than the BBC reports last month that the strangely anonymously named AirAsia-X will soon be introducing child-free seating.
These aren’t child-free flights, just zones reserved on AirAsia-X’s Airbus A330 flights between China, Australia and Japan for adults only. And I think it’s a superb idea whose time has come and the sooner it spreads to all airlines the better, because I’ve always secretly yearned for a way to identify the curmudgeonly misanthropes who inevitably compose a significant minority of any flight.
This has been tried before. Malaysia Air has banned children under 12 years old from the upper decks of its fleet of A380s. But the beauty of AirAsia-X’s approach is that it’s merely seven standard rows of seats, so it’ll be about as effective as the “non-smoking” section was back in the bizarro days when you could smoke on a plane. So the only practical effect will be tagging for avoidance the kind of parochial yokels who would pay extra to sit in the child-free zone. I suppose a side-effect will be that like minded people will be sat together so if they happen to breach their tiny, air-tight comfort zones long enough to hold a conversation they can confirm for each other that things were better in the old days and that you can’t even understand the lyrics.
I’ve been on flights with children and can confirm that babies cry, some toddlers don’t know to use their inside voices on a plane and until a certain age kicking the back of the seat in front of you is hours of unbridled entertainment. But I’ve also been on planes with fully-grown cranky provincials and I can confirm that very, very few of them are in any position to criticise anyone.
Anyone tempted to take advantage of the child-free seating section of a plane should take note that they’re being observed and will want to make very sure to not be fat nor flatulent nor rude to the stewardess. They should also be among the very first to have their overhead luggage stowed and if they recline their seat at any time during the flight or monopolize the toilets or the stewardess’ time then they need to know that they’ve outed themselves for the narcissistic stiffs that they are.
It comes down to this — if you can’t handle a crying child then you can’t handle the stresses of travel and you just shouldn’t do it. In fact, you should retreat from society altogether with its barking dogs and leaky headphones and broken mufflers and occasional wrong numbers. Or you can mellow out and accept that crying babies are part of the rich and complex tapestry that is living in modern society, as is the ability to fly.